Madame Spivy: Why Don’t You?

Ladies and Gentleman, it is time once again to revisit that late great dynamic lady of song, Madame Spivy LeVoe (1906-1971), also known simply as Spivy. A lesbian entertainer, nightclub owner and character actress, Spivy has been described as “The Female Noel Coward” – to which I add “…. if he had been born in Brooklyn as Bertha Levine.”

In case you missed them, here are the previous Madame Spivy posts:
The Alley Cat
The Tarantella
Auntie’s Face
100% American Girls
A Tropical Fish
I Brought Culture to Buffalo In The 90’s
I Didn’t Do A Thing Last Night
Madame Spivy: Movies & Television
Madame Spivy on the Good Time Sallies Podcast

“Why Don’t You?” is the fifth side profiled here from her 1939 album Seven Gay Sophisticated Songs. Spivy is credited with composing the music, with lyrics by Everett Marcy, who also penned “I Brought Culture to Buffalo In The 90’s”.

Marcy had a few Broadway writing credits including New Faces of 1936. It was Marcy who wrote the oft-repeated line introduced in the show by Imogene Coca: “I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini.”

The song “Why Don’t You?” refers to Diana Vreeland’s column of the same name in Harper’s Bazaar magazine. It was full of random “imaginative” suggestions such as “Why don’t you wash your blond child’s hair in dead champagne, as they do in France?”

Some of the notables of the day that are referenced in the song:

Vera Zorina – a ballerina, actress, and the second wife of George Balanchine.

Cecil Beaton – photographer, diarist, painter, interior designer, and an Oscar-winning costume designer.

Elsa Maxwell – a gossip columnist, radio personality, and professional hostess renowned for her high society parties.

“The Zerbes and Bebees” refers to the original paparazzi photographer Jerome Zerbe (1904-88) and syndicated society columnist Lucius Beebe (1902-1966). The two were a couple through the 1930’s.

Peggy Hopkins Joyce – an actress and socialite, notorious for her flamboyant lifestyle with numerous affairs, engagements and six marriages.

Clifton Webb – a character actor best known for his thinly veiled “sissy” supporting roles.

Why Don’t You?

Today when all the headlines full of red lines and bread lines confuse you
And the world seems bleak, don’t be blue.
In Harper’s they have a column, very smart and very solemn that will amuse you.
It asks you little questions to give you smart suggestions how you, too can reek with chic
like the most ultra-clique, and they call it “Why Don’t You?” It asks you…

Why don’t you have your ermine muff wired for sound and use it weekends as a concertina?
Why don’t you give a charity ball for the Princeton Club and raffle off Vera Zorina?

Why don’t you throw your mother an occasional bone?
Why don’t you try sleeping alone?
Why don’t you take the pretty blue check you won at bridge and kite it?
Why don’t you dip your head in brandy and light it?

Why don’t you try wearing gold sandals backwards just for the sheer agony of it?
Why don’t you send last year’s negligée to Cecil Beaton? He’d love it.
So they want you to try decorating your flat with bundles of hay…
Well they know what they can do with Harper’s, why don’t they?

Why don’t you try going to Elsa Maxwell’s parties as yourself for a change?
Why don’t you try wearing a hat that won’t make your husband look strange?
Why don’t you develop a bright smile by putting an electric bulb behind each tooth?
Why don’t you give a testimonial dinner for Hitler in a telephone booth?

Why don’t you get out of town before you come down with a compound case of heebie jeebies?
Why don’t you listen to the birds and bees instead of the Zerbes and Bebees?
So they want you to roll up your rugs and cover your floors with broccoli on the first warm day.
Well they know what they can do with Vogue too…. Why don’t they?

Why don’t you have a stag line composed of the ex-husbands of Peggy Hopkins Joyce?
Why don’t you cross breed carrier pigeons with parrots so they can deliver messages by voice?
Why don’t you try throwing Clifton Webb over your left shoulder and making a wish?
Why don’t you fill your guest’s finger bowls with invisible tropical fish?

Why don’t you try opening your eyes in the middle of a kiss?
Why don’t you cancel your subscriptions to magazines like this?
Why don’t you tear everything off your hat and stamp on it?
Why don’t you take out a homestead in Montana and go “camp” on it?

So they want you to promise to slap your own face two hundred times a day?
Well tell them you’ll have none of it.
Tell them you’re through with their “Things To Do” and they can all take their Harper’s and… love it.

See Also:
The Alley Cat
The Tarantella
Auntie’s Face
100% American Girls
A Tropical Fish
I Brought Culture to Buffalo In The 90’s
I Didn’t Do A Thing Last Night
Madame Spivy: Movies & Television
Madame Spivy on the Good Time Sallies Podcast
The Mysterious Midge Williams
Neeka Shaw: The Forgotten Showgirl